Introduction from NEXT POINT WINS

Coach, Do You Remember me?

During the school year, I sometimes run a program called Recess Buddies. This program has been more than just a fun way to connect with kids outside of the gym. Those kids, in that setting, have taught me one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in over twenty-five years of coaching.

One of my personal goals is to always make every individual you engage with feel like an MVP (Most Valuable Person). The plan for that first day of Recess Buddies was to seek out those children who aren’t as quick to get involved in games, activities, and social interaction at school and find ways to make them feel like an MVP in front of their peers.

I learned quickly that the MVP plan would have to wait until I could get everyone calmed down. Many of these kids were familiar with me from past camps, leagues, events, and school assemblies. The second they spotted me on the playground, it was chaos.

“Coach Dave, I can’t believe you’re at our school.”

“Hey, Coach Dave, let’s play soccer!”

“No, flag football!”

“I want to play whiffle ball!”

“Coach Dave, are you just doing this one recess, or can you be here for every recess?”

So far, at least the program had succeeded in making me feel like an MVP.

But the profound lesson is what came next. Over the course of five recesses, many of the children who knew me prior to Recess Buddies would run up and ask some variation of the same question: “Coach Dave, do you remember me?”

They would want to know if I remembered their name. Or the nickname I gave them in camp last summer. Or if I remembered the time they made this one great play in a game I was coaching.

“Do you remember me?”

Through that question, asked over and over again, I learned that one of the biggest needs for every child is to be recognized. Seen. Remembered. They need to know that they’re significant, that they play a role in this world, and that they matter. For children and adolescents, the need is as essential as sleep, exercise, and even love. And unfortunately, in today’s world, too many are seeing this need go unfulfilled.

I See You

I’m five years old, and my parents are visiting me on a Sunday at the home of the foster family I’ve been staying with. My father is battling the disease of alcoholism, so my biological parents are not equipped to raise me at this time. This will be the first of many stops through an early childhood spent bouncing between foster families and extended family members who make the incredibly selfless decision to take me in whenever they can.

“We have to go now,” I can still hear my mother saying.

At that age, being so new to the idea of foster care, I can’t understand why my parents have sent me to this house. Or why they can only come visit me on weekends. I love my mother. And my father, no matter what he’s going through, is my hero.

“Why do I have to stay here?” I ask. “Why can’t I go with you?”

“There’s going to come a time when you can be with us,” my father tries to explain.

And then they get up to leave. My foster family isn’t there to stop me, so I run after my mom and dad as they head out to the car. One of my most vivid childhood memories is of the long country road leading away from my foster family’s house, the car kicking up dust as my parents take off.

“No!” I cry out. “Take me with you.”

I chase them down the dirt road, screaming after them all the way, until I can’t run any farther.

Every time they visit—and they will visit faithfully every week—it’s the same. I beg them to take me with them. “Why can’t I go home with you? Why can’t I live with you?” They leave me behind the same way every time, and every time, I chase after them, running and screaming until I collapse. Then, I wait there at the end of the road until I finally calm down because I don’t want my foster family to see me crying.

Why, out of all my childhood memories, does this one stand out the strongest? It was intensely emotional, of course, but I think it runs deeper than that. It stands out to me because it’s the clearest example of a time from my childhood when I wasn’t having that fundamental need fulfilled.

I felt like I didn’t matter. Like no one saw me.

I spent my whole life wanting to be seen. The mistakes I’ve made were because I wanted to be seen. Any accomplishments, any developments of my skillset, every moment where I came closer to finding my passion, every measure of my ability to empathize with and connect with children—it all stems from the fact that I have lived it and can truly see this part of their journey. The struggle was so real, so prolonged, and so intense for me that I can always put myself back there.

Though the words “I see you” can be as impactful as “I love you,” it isn’t enough to simply speak the words. The actions you take must also make it clear that you see the child or adolescent, you recognize who they are, and that you value them.

Eighteen Inches

At recess, there’s a pecking order. If you give children that kind of freedom, they’re going to separate into groups. Some children are going to be left out of these groups. On any playground in the world, there will always be students hanging on the edges of the action, keeping to themselves while their peers play their games. I know this not just because of Recess Buddies, or because of my twenty-five-plus years of coaching and working with children, but because there was a time in my life when I was one of them.

So, for me, Recess Buddies served as a challenge to reach these kids. This is a difficult thing to do effectively. I didn’t want to put them in an awkward position by calling out to them and saying, “Hey, I see you’re not playing. Why don’t you get in there?” There’s a fine line between helping a young person feel as if they are genuinely being included with the group and making them feel as if they are being singled out for ridicule.

The most effective way to stay on the right side of that line is to show them that you see them.

“Hey, my name is Coach Dave. What’s your name? How’s your day going?”

A simple approach designed to show them that you want to know who they are—that’s such a powerful way to make them feel included. You have to see them first, and then you have to demonstrate that you see them.[1] And this doesn’t just apply to the children who don’t readily join in group activities. This applies to every child. If you want to connect with them, then you first have to make it clear that you see them and understand them.

In the chapters to come, I share lessons learned from a lifetime of coaching and connecting with young people. While this book can serve as a guide for coaches, teachers, and parents hoping to reach children on a new level, it’s deeper purpose is to equip young people with the lessons they need to connect with others. Think of it as something like a How to Win Friends and Influence People for kids. For the adults reading this book, the lessons will help you explore how to recognize and validate the young people in your life; how to listen and ask questions; how to give positive reinforcement; how to avoid social comparisons and judgment; how to be mindful of body language, tone, and inflection; how to be truthful and consistent; how to give of our time, which is one of the greatest gifts we can give; and above all, how to view coaching/teaching/parenting through the lens of a child.

For the young people reading this book, you will find strategies to help you shape your unique identity; how to develop positive self-talk; how to avoid judgment; how to live with empathy, authenticity, and honesty; how to be a good listener and friend; how to be responsible and accountable; how to show enthusiasm; and how to take the initiative in your life.

But before we do any of that, it’s important to build that foundation for everything to come. That foundation is this first lesson about the importance of “I see you.” Making the people you meet recognize that you see and understand them is such a powerful thing. It’s the key to unlocking your ability to connect not just with young people, but with anyone. You have to see them, and just as importantly, you have to find ways to make them know that you see them.

When you begin to think about that fundamental need to be seen and understood, it changes almost everything about your mindset. Treating other people in a way that shows them you see them fulfills that same need for you to be seen. It becomes a perpetual cycle of positivity. This is why I do so many of my programs like Recess Buddies pro bono. It has become my purpose to let parents, coaches, teachers, administrators, and young people recognize that I see them. They do so in return, and that energy and enthusiasm is all I need to keep myself going.

There’s a visual I use in some of my assemblies and pep talks that illustrates the physical distance between a person’s brain and heart. On average, that distance is eighteen inches. With this illustration, I make the point that it’s not enough to simply hear and think about a new lesson. If it’s going to be effective—if it’s really going to lead to growth and change in your life—then the lesson has to travel those eighteen inches of distance between your brain and your heart. You can’t just hear it; you have to internalize it. Make it a part of who you are and what you stand for.

When it comes to our first big lesson, “I see you,” it’s about taking action, and doing so from the heart. Don’t just tell kids you see them; show them how you see them and why you see them. Do this, and you will instill confidence and self-esteem in the child. They will start to believe in themselves, build on this feeling, and grow and learn toward a better version of themselves.

The Playbook

I’ve always been a coach at heart, so each chapter to come will be presented like a playbook of sorts—a play-by-play guide that young people can use to help these lessons travel the eighteen inches to where they become internalized. While this playbook is designed for children and adolescents, it is certainly something that adults can use as well, and it is particularly effective when the parent or guardian learns them together with the young person in their life.

All of this is going to take discovery. We have a journey before us. The playbook will serve as a guide, and also as a series of actionable steps, but we as the adults on the journey have to lead by example. If the young people in our lives are going to meet with success in any of this, we have to demonstrate how it’s done. It isn’t enough to just teach and preach; we have to portray these principles ourselves. We have to walk the walk. If we can do this, then the kids will follow.

The most satisfying phenomenon I have witnessed in my career coaching young people is that when they start to live these lessons, they don’t simply use them to better themselves. They spread their positivity to the other people in their lives. That positivity becomes more than just their own habit; it becomes a habit for their friends and family. By example, they teach others. The cycle of positivity only grows.

In this way, I didn’t just write this book for you or the child or adolescent in your care. It’s not just for one or two people to learn how to be the best person they can be. This book is intended to serve as a call to action that causes a ripple effect. If we can all work together to make the young person reading this the best person he/she can be, then that empowers him or her to help others be the best they can be.

Ultimately, the change this book seeks is not just in you or the people you care about. In a world full of increasing divisions, perceived differences, and cultural isolation, this book seeks to positively impact our culture, our community, and our society.

The Light Shines Inside All of Us

I remember this kid who spent the first seven years of his childhood living in foster homes and with extended family members, until his aunt and uncle made the loving, selfless decision to become his legal guardians. This kid loved his mother and father more than anything, and he couldn’t understand at the time why he couldn’t be raised by them.

I remember this kid who was placed in remedial learning programs in elementary school because of perceived behavioral and emotional disabilities. This kid was bullied so badly on the school bus, he was forced to use his saxophone case as a seat in the middle aisle because no one would let him sit with them. He had no drive or motivation to excel in school, or even to be anything better than a C student.

I remember this kid who dropped out of college after two years and was kicked out of the house at eighteen years old.

I remember this kid who worked menial jobs to scrape by, barely making ends meet. It seemed like he could never quite find his identity and purpose in life.

I remember this kid. I know this kid. This kid is me.

When I think back on this kid, I remember that he also never gave up on himself. He knew deep, deep down inside that one day, he would have something positive and meaningful to share with the world.

You see, through all the adversity and challenges in my childhood/adolescent years, I had this flickering light inside of me—kind of like a pilot light. I believe every child has inside of them a flickering light that has potential to be as big and shine as bright as a lighthouse.

There are countless kids out there going through their own painful situations right now. Some are feeling left behind or left out completely. Some wear their heart on their sleeve, and we can easily identify that they’re hurting. Others hide or disguise the hurt within to where no one would know. I am a walking, talking, coaching, bright, beaming, shining lighthouse today because someone noticed my flickering light. Someone told me I was significant. Someone told me that I mattered.

So that’s a huge part of what we’re going to be doing with this book: We’re going to look closely for the flickering light. It’s sometimes hard to see under the fear, negativity, and self-doubt that many young people carry with them. But as a person who works with those same young people every day, I can tell you for a fact that it doesn’t have to be this way. For you, as a young person reading this, it’s just a matter of putting in the work to change your mindset to where you think more positively. All the tools to do that are included in the Chalk Talks to come.

And if you’re an adult reading this, it’s important to know that the young people in your life want to hear you say that they are significant, and they really do matter. More importantly, they want you to show them how they matter. I know I wanted this in my own life. It’s why I made youth coaching a career.

Now, back to the kids. This is my message to you as we move forward with our Chalk Talks: Don’t give up, don’t lose hope, never stop believing in your potential. Stay in the game. My flickering light became a lighthouse . . . Yours will too!